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Brian UK View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Brian UK Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Feb 2017 at 22:31
I'm not a pheasant plucker.................
Brian.

Better 5 minutes late in this world than years early in the next.
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Tarquin View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tarquin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Feb 2017 at 09:27
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.
They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."
With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?
We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?
Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.
He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?"
"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...

Ees... a ham bush."
California 111 70th Anniversary Model, California 1100i 75th Anniversary Model, Honda ST1300


“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
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red leader one View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote red leader one Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Feb 2017 at 11:17
LOL
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote jog53 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Feb 2017 at 19:18
Man walks into Doctors surgery, and after a brief conversation, the Doctor commences his examination.

A few minutes into the examination, the Doctor stops, looks at the man, and tells him " Im afraid you have to stop masturbating..."

"why?" replies the man..

because Im trying to examine you, says the Doctor.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Guzzi Gav Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Apr 2017 at 15:40
A man goes to the doctor for his test results;

Doctor: Well Mr Robinson, I've got your results and I'm very sorry to tell you that it's terminal

Man: Oh God no! - how long have I got?

Doctor: Ten

Man: Oh Christ's this is terrible .... hang on, ten what?

Doctor: Nine ..... Eight ..... Seven ..............
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Dave P. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 May 2017 at 09:47
A couple were on a safari in the Serengeti when they spotted a cheetah chasing an antelope."That antelope will get away" said the man."Never" said his wife."If it escapes you can have sex every day for the rest of your life" The chase was captured on video.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/DYDIwOnXNc8?rel=0
TO LIVE OUTSIDE THE LAW YOU MUST BE HONEST.

1971 V7 Special. 1972 850GT.
1970 T120 Bonnie. 2009 500 Bullet.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote jog53 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 May 2017 at 23:37
Dave P.    Excellent!
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iceni View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote iceni Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 May 2017 at 07:51
Made me larf did that
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote red leader one Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Nov 2017 at 15:31
My Grief Counsellor died recently.

Fortunately he was so good I didn't give a sh*t.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote iceni Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Nov 2017 at 15:33
   Oi loikes that, I does
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Dave P. View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Dave P. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Nov 2017 at 15:41
So do Oi.
TO LIVE OUTSIDE THE LAW YOU MUST BE HONEST.

1971 V7 Special. 1972 850GT.
1970 T120 Bonnie. 2009 500 Bullet.
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Tarquin View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tarquin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Nov 2017 at 15:51
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St.. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?''Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ''Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....
'BOB, wake up....... You've sh1t the bed!

Edited by Tarquin - 10 Nov 2017 at 18:28
California 111 70th Anniversary Model, California 1100i 75th Anniversary Model, Honda ST1300


“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
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Brian UK View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Brian UK Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Aug 2018 at 22:36
As the traffic warden'scoffin is lowered into the grave he is heard to shout;
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. let me out."

The vicar looks into the grave and smiles, takes a slow intake of breath through his teeth and says;
"Sorry mate I've just finished the paper work."
Brian.

Better 5 minutes late in this world than years early in the next.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote NickR Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Aug 2018 at 20:55
Originally posted by Guzzi Gav Guzzi Gav wrote:

A man goes to the doctor for his test results;

Doctor: Well Mr Robinson, I've got your results and I'm very sorry to tell you that it's terminal

Man: Oh God no! - how long have I got?

Doctor: Ten

Man: Oh Christ's this is terrible .... hang on, ten what?

Doctor: Nine ..... Eight ..... Seven ..............

Somewhat alarming....given my surname!
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Brian UK View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Brian UK Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Jan 2019 at 10:06
If you think your job is worthless, remember someone has to fit indicators to BMWs.

Brian.

Better 5 minutes late in this world than years early in the next.
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