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tonewuk View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tonewuk Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Joke Section
    Posted: 16 Jan 2017 at 18:14
Following a Sexist Joke I made the other day, on this Joke Page of ours.

The Feminist Society and Lesbian appreciation society now has my Address.


Fortunately for me, none of the buggers can read a Map.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tonewuk Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Jan 2017 at 00:19
An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000.”
One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: “I have lost taste in my mouth.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “This is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”
Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.”
Doctor: “But this is $400…”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Blind Lemon Ade Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Jan 2017 at 14:08
Max Wall: "I went to the Doctor, and said, 'What can you give me for diahorrea ?' He replied, 'About 5 pence a bucket...' "
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote red leader one Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Jan 2017 at 16:53
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Max_Wall

For our younger viewers.

Edited by red leader one - 18 Jan 2017 at 16:56
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tonewuk Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Jan 2017 at 23:26
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago
She looked at me and said, turn the light off and stick it in my bum.
 I guess I should have waited for the lamp to cool off first..
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (3) Thanks(3)   Quote v7john Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Jan 2017 at 13:02

Now, I'm no "snowflake" but I think someone is trying to see how far they can push things here.


The Forum Rules and Policies include "You agree to not use this forum to post any material which is vulgar, defamatory, inaccurate, harassing, hateful, threatening, invading of others privacy, sexually oriented, or violates any laws".


Just 'cos I'm a ruffty, tuffty, biker doesn't mean I still appreciate what I might have when I was a 15-year old back in an earlier age. I had to make some comment.


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tarquin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Jan 2017 at 17:00
Shamelessly plagiarised from the Volvo Forum.




 

 

A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.

He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head, and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds and thousands.

A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies: "It looks like he's topped himself."

 

 

                                 *********************************

 

 

 

Which French Emperor came to a nasty end with a faulty hand grenade?

Napoleon Blownapart.

 

                             *********************************

 

  

Two Islamic fundamentalists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?'

 

                           *********************************

 

The pope and Donald Trump are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd!

The pope leans towards Trump and says "do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy?. This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Trump replied "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand... show me!"

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage! AND THE CROWD ROARED AND CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!

 

                          *********************************

True story not a joke.

In Germany an adjustable spanner is called an Engländer. They can't get their heads around why something just does not fit and why you'd need an adjustable tolerance.

 

                           *********************************

 

 

Teacher: "If I gave you two cats, and another two cats, and another two cats; how many will you have?"

Johnny: "Seven sir."

Teacher: "No... listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats, and another two cats; how many will you have?"

Johnny: "Seven sir."

Teacher: "Let me put it differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples, and another two apples; how many will you have?"

Johnny: "Six".

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats, and another two cats; how many will you have?"

Johnny: "Seven!!! SIR!!!"

Very angry Teacher: "Well the hell did you get seven from???"

Very angry Johnny: "Because we've already got an effing cat!"


LOL


 

 

 

 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mike H Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Jan 2017 at 17:57
Originally posted by Tarquin Tarquin wrote:

True story not a joke.

In Germany an adjustable spanner is called an Engländer. They can't get their heads around why something just does not fit and why you'd need an adjustable tolerance.



That I like. LOL



"Chicken nuggets don't dance on a Tuesday."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tonewuk Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Jan 2017 at 20:22
Originally posted by v7john v7john wrote:

Now, I'm no "snowflake" but I think someone is trying to see how far they can push things here.


The Forum Rules and Policies include "You agree to not use this forum to post any material which is vulgar, defamatory, inaccurate, harassing, hateful, threatening, invading of others privacy, sexually oriented, or violates any laws".


Just 'cos I'm a ruffty, tuffty, biker doesn't mean I still appreciate what I might have when I was a 15-year old back in an earlier age. I had to make some comment.



Yes but we are a bit more grown up now on this forum.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote johnno Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Jan 2017 at 20:36
I don't like jokes but a few made me laugh
GSXR1100 L ,Moto Guzzi .750xpa,.1100 sport,1100 sport corsa rider
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tonewuk Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Jan 2017 at 20:44
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"

The Black Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.

But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Yellow Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the Black Lab.

"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked "Why are you here?"

The Yellow Lab said," I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it.

When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.

But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Black Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts.

I want to hump everything I see."

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said," So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?”

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped"

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tonewuk Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Jan 2017 at 21:32
A little boy asks his dad, 'Where does poo come from?'
His dad explains, 'Well son, food passes down the oesophagus by peristalsis.
 It enters into the stomach where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This extracts the protein before waste product enters the colon. Water is absorbed, whereupon it then emerges as poo'.
.
.
.
.
'Oh' says his son. 'So where does Tigger come from then?'
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Oafski Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Jan 2017 at 10:16
Nicked from the Speedway Forum

God Loves Drunk People Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the 
door.  

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing 
in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. 


"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"


He slams the door and returns to bed.


"Who was that?" asked his wife..





"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. 
"Did you help him?" she asks.


"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'well pouring 
with rain out there!" 


"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember 
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped 
us?  


I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"God 
loves drunk people too you know." 


The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the 
pounding rain. 


He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" 


"Yes," comes back the answer.


"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. 
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. 


"Where are you?" asks the husband. 

"Over here on the swing," the drunk replied... 


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Lad in the shed Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Jan 2017 at 20:06
A very posh lady and her husband were driving home late one night when a badger ran out from the undergrowth and was struck by their car. The police arrived and found the badger to be very badly hurt. The posh lady asked what they should do with the badger and the officer suggested they should take the wounded animal to a vet and advised the animal should be kept warm for the journey. The posh lady asked what would be the best way to do this and he suggested she put it up her skirt. The lady said "I certainly will not put that badger up my skirt, its all wet and it stinks"
Well nip the badgers nose then was the reply


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote jog53 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Feb 2017 at 19:21
Some school-boy stuff, better after a few beers...

Six Sicilian sheet-slitters sitting slitting sheets.....

better again is....

Seven Cockney sock cutters sitting cutting socks....
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